12:00 am | random thoughts
Posted by Paurong sa Huwebes, Marso 9, 2006
He is still awake. And he is not considering sleep as a must. He just wants to be happy. He doesn’t want to keep the burdens inside him but they really are deeply engraved upon. He thinks that it would be another day of unexpected and explicit yet dull moments. He is still awake and he seems to be waiting for something he doesn’t know really. He is just sitting in front of a magical screen, still ticking keys.
He doesn’t know what to do. Beside him is his bed and he cannot deny the fact that he wants to lie down on it. Kinda tempable. Crucial! He doesn’t want to go to sleep and he doesn’t want to dream of crucial situations. It’s just like having a perfect score in a Math quiz or solving a boardwork in Chemistry or Physics. He loves Physics but hates Chemistry. He loves Geometry but hates College Algebra. He loves English more than any subject in the world. He loves literature even though he’s not reading a book lately. He misses those times in his life whenas he was holding a book beyond the chilly atmosphere of a sunny afternoon. He misses reading novels. He misses the antagonists.
For sure, he will go to school tomorrow. He misses his classmates more than he misses logging on to Friendster.com for a week (which he never did). He misses his drastic teachers. He misses the buildings. He misses his classroom. He misses the computer room. He misses the library. He misses the security guard roaming around frequently. He misses the narrow corridor. He misses the steepy stairs. He misses the looks of the Seniors especially his alter-ego. He misses the laughters everytime somebody cracked a joke. He misses the corny jokes of his Math teacher. He misses the compliments behind the meaning-packed smiles of his Physics teacher together with the undying persistance of the recitations in the class. He misses everything. He has to go to school tomorrow and face it.
He still doesn’t know what he is writing. Maybe because it is already midnight. He wonders when will he stop. Possibly, when his tummy started to whoop. Or maybe when his stomach ache again with a nasty bad smell signing for the big help of the toilet. He’s still confused of everything. He has always been like this and it seems to be forever. He is still listening to the radio. Love songs. It has been just recently since he started appreciating love songs. He likes love songs now. It looks like he’s in love. Or maybe he’s fallen in love. It has to be substantiated. Well, well, well.
Another reason of his extreme angst is that a person whom he had trusted for a very long time betrayed him. This betrayer stabbed him mentally that he can’t get over it. He doesn’t want to talk about it but this betrayer is his classmate so everytime he sees this betrayer, he feels more anguish deep inside. Last time, he ripped his second journal this year. He did that with so much force. He habitually do that everytime he feel discomfort. And this betrayer is really a discomfort to him. He wishes scruples with this betrayer.
Right now, he wants to cry. He wants to weep not because of someone’s death or failure but because of grogginess. His life is grief-stricken with pain and too much wretchedness. His life is filled with anguish and peculiar surroundings. He’s not happy about it but he is still protruding it with a smile. He wants to cry, also because of certain matters which regards his high school life. His deepest sympathy is with the protagonists of the stand he reflects.
He’s tired of writing and he wants to stop for a while. A while ago, he was reading something and he wants to continue it right now.
* * *
He deleted a folder he never thought he would store.
He can’t believe he can do it.
They are all gone.
He is thankful.
No more excessive narcissism.
No more pointless clues about what he has to do.
He read someone’s blog.
Blog of someone half-a-world away from him.
He went downstairs, finally, to pee.
He drank a cup (not a glass) of water.
He returned in front of the magical screen.
He still have no idea about sleeping. Or merely having a forty-wink somehow. He is worried. No one knows why, even he. But later, he’s no longer the old him. He’ll be a better person this morning. No more self-centeredness. No more horrifying deeds. He’ll keep quiet. He’ll be normal later on school. He always wishes this to happen. Maybe later.
He stares blankly. He doesn’t know why. A minute passed. He hears dogs barking outside. Another minute passed. He doesn’t know why he’s hushed. He doesn’t want to gaze at a kaleidoscopic life ahead of him. He doesn’t want to fail. He wants to be himself right away. He stares completely unaware.
He misses his family. He misses his father. He misses his mother. He misses his siblings. He wonders where the hell could his mother be. He doesn’t want to think about them but he really misses them. But then he is still mad at his parents because of the things that transpired. He hates his parents for not loving him. He considered that love means never having to be a galaxy away from your child. He wonders if he is still a child to his parents. He ponders about his mother. He doesn’t her situation. He wants to think she’s already dead. Likewise, he misses his father. He’s thinking about their situation there in Davao City. But still he have no news about them. They didn’t even greet him during his birthday. He misses them… so much.
He thinks that contemplating with riduculous thing is hazardous. So he decides to turn off the radio, turn off the lights, hibernate the computer and go to the dreamworld as soon he can. Tomorrow will be another day. Tomorrow…
* * *
It really became a dreamworld to him. The devils, primarily, were vying for attention. They were there, really. But he never imagined that to be. The last dream he has was terrible also. He can’t stand thinking about it. He thinks that it is just a work of the devil who is trying to tempt him. Not anymore. He is courageous enough to face it. But the dream three hours ago is much devastating than the one he thought about lately. It was a nightmare for him. The devil was there. He experienced lack of breath. Something was pounded on his chest that he seemed to be out of breath. He heard an immense voice of an old man. Very frightening with his gnashing teeths. He heard laughters of them. They were many. Laughing at him because he loves Jesus and because he wants to get rid of evil things. He can’t help it? No, of course. Because he can do anything, with God who strengthens him.
He hopes he would not dream of that kind of thing anymore. It was all a nightmare for him. But it went this way… After lying down on bed (that was half past one) he scurriedly went to sleep and then woke up fifteen minutes later having a nightmare which he thought to occur for an hour. He stared blankly, thinking, for about ten minutes, which was, totally, longer than the fifteen minutes he spent on his ‘nightmare’ dreamworld. Another ten minutes passed. Too long. It was really weird that was he spent on dreaming is longer yet shorter than what he thought it to be. During those moments, he really cannot breath. He was asking for help. He needed that. Prayers were his best weapon. He just cried Jesus’ name and fifteen minutes was over!
The last dream he had was petrifying. He can’t believe he would have a dream like that and with the person he least expect of. It was just a dream yet it bothers him completely. It was a mere creation of dream ruffled by the devils. Nonetheless, he does not need to worry because he knows that God is always here. Jesus inside!
* * *
Wearing his school uniform, he surely is ready for school. He has to bring books today but he doesn’t care at all. He has his 7:00 class but want to go to his classroom for once. He can’t stop writing about what’s happening on his life. What if tomorrow will come without him? That’s why he is putting up a legacy he wants other people to recognize. He loves writing but prefers blogging. He always thinks of death. He is afraid of being dead. He doesn’t want to die at all yet part of him is provoking his ego to be so. He just lives. And later on he’ll leave and face the jail of his high school. He thinks it is just a mundane place with slides and see-saws. Ups and downs. Back and forth. That’s high school life.
He looked outside and it is evident that it is still murky. He can’t see anything but lights from houses and streets. He’s not afraid to go out this early but he wants to blog first. He is typical, yes, he already is. And people will be shocked with what happened with him. He’s changed. And everything soon will change. Every little thing connected to him will sparkle with the aid of the word ‘change’. He will try today if the word ‘change’ is successful. He hopes it be such. He’s no longer staring blanking ahead of time. He’s now going to school. He’ll pack his things up and stroll his way.