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10:10 pm | longing for the thing called happinessIs

Posted by Paurong sa Linggo, Marso 26, 2006

Is it time to dissipate time staring at this magical screen? Life is so full of ups and down. This cliché reflects everything about me save for the fact that I am always on the lower part of the wheel of life.

How can you be happy if you lack caress from your family? How can you be happy if you lack the attention you ought to have? How can you be happy when once in a while, people around you misunderstand you?

I realize that I am in a total melancholic state. I want to be happy but life itself is hindering my longing. I have to live life without my parents–that’s the thing I can puke on. Everytime I see loving families which are not broken, which are happy together, I always tend to get jealous. Life taunts happiness in me. All I ever wanted is happiness and no cost can buy the happiness I desire.

I am living a life I never wished to have yet I am glad that there are still people who care for me. What if I die tonight? Will people cry for me? When will people eat crow just because I died? Too funny I am wishing death. But I still want to live.

I am living a life without the people who should be here beside me, to help me in troubles, to join me in jauntiness and laughters, to teach me right from wrong, to deliver me from harm…

Mrs. Merino, my English teacher, told me months ago to forget the grudges I am feeling. But then I cannot. And I shall not just “forget” the damage they did. They left me. They never cared about me.

Where is my mother? Where the hell is my mother? Can anyone tell me where she is? This is my primary inhibition in life which causes me more impairments. I am always being jealous everytime I see children being taken cared of their mothers. The love of a mother is priceless, I know that. And so I envy those people who have their mothers with them.

Where is my mother? Please tell me lest I’ll kill myself! Sadistic. Cruel. I’ll not injure myself just because of that. I want to cry. But I am a valiant man. So what if my mother is not here? Who cares? I am just jealous. That’s it. No more further ado.

I miss her. I’ve never seen her for three years. The last time we saw each other is when I was about to graduate elementary. Since then, she never contacted me. She didn’t keep in touch with me anymore. I lost her but she never and will never lose me. On this battle, I have to win. I have to survive this scorching pain. It is always here inside my heart. The scar is harder to heal compared to a wound because a scar will stay there since it is etched already.

Here in my heart, deep inside my heart… rancors live… Will never heal coz no one hears.


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