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11:00 pm | they really are best friends

Posted by Paurong sa Huwebes, Abril 6, 2006

And as I leave
I know that I am leaving my best friend
A friend who taught me right from wrong
And weak from strong that’s a lot to learn
What can I give you in return?
–To Sir With Love, Susanna Hoffs

I do not know how to start. I am inducing myself to recall every little thing that happened against getting to the brink of my thoughts. There’s something else that is haunting me right now more than anything else I can think of–they fooled me again. It’s becoming more of a game. And it’s breaking my heart. I was honest to the both of them though, they did it to me. They did many things that caused torrential pain on my part. I never wished these things to happen. As I was talking to the girl earlier over the phone, I can’t help but cry yet I didn’t because I was afraid to face the fact that they fooled me. I was honest but then what was the result of my honesty? They made a fool out of me. Why did I behave spontaneously? I repent being honest to the both of them…

I am referring to two persons whom I can regarded as two close friends of mine. One is a girl, her name is Pamela, my classmate since Second Year high school; the other one is a seventeen-year-old guy named Brian. Maybe for those who had came up reading some of my Jan-Feb entries would know these things (especially Reyn and Jenny.. hope you’re still keeping in touch with me by this). But for those who don’t, I’d checked out an archive of my previous entries, and opened my Feb 4 post. I’ll transcribe it to English coz it was written in Taglish last time. But that post include just a morsel though, I’ll try to fix it.

Saturday, Feb 4

6 am. I quite didn’t fall asleep thinking of a person: Brian–the person I call “tol”… the person I am getting curious to know more and know how much he really likes Shakespeare. We really have similar traits, personalities, and habits. We love writing. We hate Cueshé. And most of all, we’re both “torpe”. And we’re in love with the same girl [that was what my mind was saying those times, I thinks that’s not the truth].

At first, the three of us were supposed to meet last Dec. 26, 2005. That’s the same date when I had to meet someone named Chris [whom I knew from piclink. But wait, before you judge, he was the one who phoned me (since my phone number was rambling on the said site, but now I’ve removed it because I know it would cause much trouble if it would stay there..) I agreed for a meeting between the two of us because he was begging so much. oops! I’m digressing. Sorry for that.] All was set up then. One day before, Pamela told me she’s gonna meet Brian. I cried, what a coincidence! Thus far I was fervid to meet Brian (whom, as she have said, has like characteristics with me). And since I will also meet someone on the next day (Dec 26), I set up the meeting. In front of Marks & Spencers at Robinson’s. The problem was that Pamela backed up at the last minute. [It’s another instance of my repentance of being honest. I’ve realized that I mustn’t have told Chris what I’ll be wearing and what I’ll be looking like. If ever I did so, I’ll have a chance on not meeting this rubbish Chris (whom had spent a really boring time with me.. he’s chubby) and I would be just standing right there and might have seen Brian.] If only I did what I was supposed to do… If only. I can do nothing now but to repent. If only.. If only I was able to fix things up that date. If only Pamela didn’t hinder what I was planning to do.. If only. But I can do nothing now. You know, Brian might have been there in front of Marks & Spencers waiting for Pamela and I but I am really not sure.. but Brian said he was there for an hour or two. Can you see it?
Another circumstance is that of last January. I can’t remember the date coz I tore my journal last time and as far as I can remember, I’ve written much about that on my journal. [Okay, here I am again, I’m digressing. I’m so sorry.] That was the time when I was using Pamela’s cp–the time I had the chance to communicate with the Brian I was desiring to see for a very long time already. That is also the day when we must met each other outside the campus. That is also the day I was callously bristly. I can remember that time he texted me a message saying that he’s already in front of the main gate.. and he summoned Pamela and I to see him. Then I waited there. Waited to know that he had went home already. His reason to Pamela is that something is aching. And for I know, it is Brian heart. Why? The basis of all, may I say, is that Brian is in love with Pamela and for all of you to know, as far as my knowledge goes, Pamela is in love with yours truly. Brian was jealous, isn’t he? Two definitions of the word jealous fit in: one is envious, since he was feeling acerbity because of my advantages to Pamela; and he was also watchful, possessively watchful on that crispy afternoon. I know he was there. He was just watching the Pamela and I being together waiting for him. He was leaving that day. He had to leave for Canada (but that day they have to go to Cebu, I think, first before going back to Canada, the place he was used to). And so, I am again digressing. I am so sorry. I just want to explain everything for you to understand the acerb Manuel. Another yet, he told me, through text, that he was glad enough to see that she was happy to see the two of us together. I sue him to go back to our meeting place, I sued him like forever since I really wanted to clear things up before he leave, plus the fact that I want to meet him. He declined. He was on the way to Cebu before going to Canada. He told me he’s coming back three years from now. He promised that the two of us will meet each other. He promised me that.

Last night [well, that was the second of February], the two of them had a chance to see each other. [He was back, right?] They ate at McDonald’s. That time, my “tol” still have no guts to tell the feeling he has for Pamela. But as much as I know Brian with what he was telling me again and again, he really loves Pamela. So, that was it, that was around 9 pm. They ate, patched things up… I was shocked to know that Brian knew that seem-to-be-a-tongue-twister line in Romeo and Juliet–that line “In bed asleep, while they do dream things true.” I was shocked because it appeared to me that it would be out of nature to know that insignificant line (or is it?) in the said play. So, this is what happened, as told by Pamela:

Brian called Pamela up and asked if they can eat at San Joaquin McDo. [Isn’t it apparent at first that it was a date?] Pamela wore a shirt, paired with her [I can’t imagine it] her school uniform skirt, and a pair of rubber shoes. Outside…

Brian: Is it really you? I didn’t even noticed you. He was right.
Pamela: What? Who’s he?
Brian: Jonell told me you became bony.
Pamela: How dares he tell I’m bony. Let’s go inside, I’m pretty hungry.
Inside, he asked her what do she wants to eat. They ordered spaghetti with chicken, iced tea, and sundae. They ate [I wonder how furious Pamela went coz she told me she wasn’t timid in front of him].
Brian: How are things going on?
Pamela: Let’s eat first.
Brian: How are you?
Pamela: Just fine. How about you, how are you in Canada.
Brian: Fine.
Until the time struck when he had the guts to tell her [not the love thingy] something about his girlfriend in Canada, which I discovered first. I knew from her that the girl’s name is Nicole.
Pamela: Yehey! You’re not torpe anymore. I proved that you’re no longer such.
Brian: Not quite torpe… And, you, the thing about _______ [which is obviously me]?
Pamela: Him? He’s still okay.
Brian: You still love him?
Pamela: Yup.
Brian: Would your love to him fade away or would it even disappear?
Pamela: No! It would even be forever. [Naks!]
Brian: You still don’t know. [He’s getting jealous, right?] Do you still cry? [What did I do wrong? (Got to talk about it later.)]
Pamela: Not anymore. I’m just wasting my tears…
Brian: So you’re just trying to hide the pain in your smile…
Pamela: Somehow.
Brian: Don’t be such. It would be better if you’ll show what you feel inside instead of pretending to be happy. How is my “utol”? [the subsequent occurences seem to be awkward for me since they were talking about me earlier, right?]
Pamela: Still ok. Still alive.
Brian: Still addict for Shakespeare?
Pamela: Very much.
Brian: I wonder when we’re going to meet…
Pamela: It’s just up to you, right? It’s still based on your sked.
Brian: Okay, I’ll just text you anyway.
Pamela: Are you insulting me? As if you don’t know that I’m grounded…
Brian: Whatever! I’ll just tell it to you.
[Until they talked about the upcoming choral interpretation.]
Brian: Who’s leading?
Pamela: Who else? Your utol…
Brian: How great! He directed last time [he was certainly referring to the Romeo and Juliet play], now he is leading you for the Choral. Let me watch that…
Pamela: I don’t like..
Brian: Why?
Pamela: I don’t like…
[Then, Pamela told much about the Choral and the reason why she was coming home late lately. And why she didn’t ate her lunch.]
Pamela: I didn’t ate my lunch because your “utol” is absent.
Brian: Why?
Pamela: I don’t know, he’s not telling me.
Met’s Romeo and Juliet played was injected on their conversation. He was inviting Pamela for tomorrow’s play [(February 3).. if I am going to elaborate more of this R&J thingies, I would be jailed again in the virtue of digression.. whatever!]. She told him that her mother wouldn’t allow her.
I wasn’t really able to sleep, pondering. We really need to talk, Brian and I. Tapatan na, tol. So many thingimajigs. Hayz.

And now, that you have the background, I’ll reiterate what I was saying earlier. They fooled me. Pamela told me on the phone some hours ago, that she sinned to me again. She told me that Brian and her had planned the thing about not telling me the truth that Brian is still here in the Philippines. All the things that Pamela told me about Brian leaving about a month ago, were all lies. She’d fooled me once. She pretended to be Brian on text. She made me believe, then, that she was really Brian. After that incident, I was still there for Pamela, I didn’t give up our friendship just for that matter. But for now, it’s enough. They have done so much that those things are causing too much trouble. And that’s why, I didn’t even bothered to believe that that was really Brian’s friendster account (see March 30 – pulling the wool over my eyes). I am flipping right now. It’s time to relinquish the pain; letting go of it wouldn’t be that hard since I already cried hard last time.

The phenix is exhibiting a newer schizoid personality and wants to remind everyone reading this, begging you to be aware of what’s happening around you. The phenix is leaving you a lesson that you must keep in mind… loving is never as good as trusting.

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