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5:53 pm | where is the storm when you need it?

Posted by Paurong sa Miyerkules, Mayo 31, 2006

“A whole day would be fine. A whole week would be fine. A whole month would be fine. A whole year would be fine. A century would be fine. Basta’t kayakap ka ay okay. I hope we could spend more time together. A few hours is better than never. If only we could make it longer. Fine fine time.”–From Eraserheads’ Fine Time

The stupor, the state I dread, is flowing through my veins right now. It is not caused by lack of sleep for the reason that right now I am teaching myself to sleep on time. For the past, say, five months, I didn’t sleep well. Everytime I go to bed, it seems like it wants to toss me away and so I have so spent time in front of the computer to blog. That was my life on the first quarter of this year. I blog in the middle of the darkness, staring at the screen, thumping at the keyboard, pouring something from my stupid mind. For the past days I never put a word on my weblog, I busied myself on spending time texting. I use that irritable unlimited texting service once in a while just to reach out Brian. I also induced myself on watching television but then to be honest, my couch potato condition was lessen drastically after the closing of my favorite show, Encantadia.

The stupor is chiefly caused by so much injury, so much longing for persons that had been special to me. I have to say this: I am not affected by his departure. But saying it all over again would turn me into a hypocrite and would render me on being lain in a field on untruthfulness. I tried to reach him today, after receiving cellphone load worth P10 from Pamela, while she consequently denied. I told myself I will no longer hold a cellphone but then I had to know his condition so I texted him. Surprisingly, I received a text message saying “Huh? I don’t know you. Kilala mo ba ako? (Do you know me?)”. I replied my name, etching on his mind recollection of my presence. And yet, he texted me this: “I’m not him! Nasa US na siya. Sorry, got to do something. May work pa ako. (I’m not him! He’s on the US. Sorry, got to do something. I still have work.)”

Fine. I have to admit, he never consider me special so much like the way I treated him. I miss him. I am whirling upon a nostalgia I can’t hold on to. The last thing to recur is that the pang is euplastic. I don’t need to get worried. I know he’s enjoying his stay in the US, just like before, as always. I just want him to know that I am still here. I just want to let him know that I still care about him. But then again, just as I always have done, I try to look at deeper side of the premise. He can be just trying to forget me and so he has to say that he is not him and so on. Who would have known? Maybe he’s lying. Maybe he just don’t want me to text him. Perhaps he has forgotten me. Perhaps he never knew a Jonell. However, as I said earlier, the pain is quick-healing. Let it be. Let it be.

On the other side of my head is another melancholy. This invokes every inch of spear, dagger, lance and sword and every kind of sharp instruments to fervently pierce my heart turning it into more vivid heart full of scars and wound. These texts of Pamela doesn’t make any sense of healing, instead, a great degree of invocative longing:

Kuwentuhan na nga lang kita about Brian. Alam mo bang he’s a type of guy na moody? Opo moody siya. Lalo na pag nainis siya sa paggising niya pa lang. Pag sa umaga paggising ay nainis na, buong araw na siyang bad trip at hindi makakausap nang matino, pero pag maganda mood niya, ikaw naman ang kukulitin: siya mang-aasar at pag may napikon sa ginawa niya, tatahimik na lang siya at magso-sorry siya ng maraming beses. Eto pa, pag naglalaboy kami, dapat may pagkain habang naglalakad, dapat kumakain at kung malling naman, dapat may bibilhin siya at kung sino ang kasama niya iyon ang papipiliin niya. Example: nung nag-malling kami, bumili siya ng T-shirt tapos ako yung pinapili niya na bagay sa kanya then kailangan iyong kasama bibilhan niya rin kahit maliit na item kasi para sa kanya special ang bawat oras at panahon. Sa mga favorite favorite, hangout niya ang court, favorite niya ang pagba-basketball, favorite song niya ang Out of my League, favorite color niya ay navy green, fave food, grabe parehas kami, sinigang. Favorite past time is reading at matulog (antukin eh). Motto niya learn to live your life to its fullest. Shy type siya, at saka conscious: dapat mabangong-mabango siya. Matagal magbihis, matagal maglagay ng gel. Dapat daw parati siyang fresh. Humble pa siya. Pag may nagsabing “ang guwapo mo naman” smile lang siya at sasabihin niyang thank you. Hay, siya yung guy na pinapangarap siguro ng mga girls at mga vakloosh. Hehe.

It just made me want this guy more. I mean, hey give my brother back to me. Every night, I imagine myself being with him. And since I already had his picture with me, it’s not that hard to envision. Every now and then I stick my face in front of his so that I can remember how he looks like and also to let him be my stimulus on my dream that night. I inculcate myself that this guy loves me more than anyone else. I have to believe on that. And, for a fact, that’s also the way I feel. You see, this guy caused me so much happiness throughout my lonely, dreary nights. And even if he never had been with me since I knew him, we still love each other so much and you ought to comprehend on that. Whenever Pamela and I are talking over the phone, I am letting her cite me situations when she was with him in Laguna that pertains the two of us. I want all of you to know that I love my brother so much, the same way he loves me, in all honest.

Sincerely, I miss Brian so much. On bed time, I had to content myself on hugging a pillow and put into mind that he’s that. I hug the pillow tightly and it paints a smile on my face. How I wish I could be with him on bed time. How I wish we could have each other and pronounce the love we have. He’s really a brother to me and no one can even replace that position he have in my life. He’s next to God. The last time we were able to communicate, I told him that I love him so much and I am very thankful that he came to my life. I am also grateful on what Pamela had done. She intertwined his best friend and I. If not because of her, I would never have my dearest utol. He also wishes the things I envisage. How we wish we can be together, primarily. How we wish we could spend time together.

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