9:10 am | what is up with me
Posted by Paurong sa Miyerkules, Mayo 31, 2006
Six weeks passed before I in all honest compelled myself on blogging again. Many things transpired so precipitously that I cannot mention each morsel. To put it bluntly, this summer vacation is boring and yet fruitful of unexpected events that I never even thought could happen.
To start with was the end of my Junior life. All of the painstaking days of grueling projects, assignments, presentations, notes cramming and life spent at the Isidro Rodriguez Building faltered swiftly like it never squeaked inside my head to be this stupid. I was a lazy third year student of our batch and it is evident on my classroom rank. But then it doesn’t mean that I totally incriminate myself because of the mess I left on the course of my high school life. I still appreciate the school days I spent save the fact that I induced myself on being a vicious student who doesn’t slip on ascertaining an absence on a week’s time. To where or to whom or to what should I put the blame? I absolved myself on the crime I had committed since time spent cannot be reclaimed. I was demoted, like anyone else of almost half of the last year’s section two, to the lowest pilot section, IV-3. It was though a lucky chance for me and everyone else; nobody was tossed outside the tent of the pilot. Everything seems to be scrambled and yet we still have to debase the idea that we are mindless. If yes, then why are we in the special class?
When I was in elementary, beyond doubt, I was a happy-go-lucky scrawny subject of the valedictorian title. I never expected such mesospheric condemnation of competition tightly wrapped around each one’s neck. But the most important product of the past three years of my high school life is the friends I had and still had right now. Who would have survived on the radicalness of being a high school teenager without the caress of friends? No one, indeed. I may be stupid on Math, but I have friends that are there whenever I need them. That’s I nice blessing I always thank for.
Speaking of blessing, it’s wonderful to have a lot of them on the span of two months or so. Blessings from The One Above can be either apparent or elusive. That’s the mystery I learned to immerse. Every emotion or any emotion can be gratefully protruded onto your body while receiving marvelous blessings.
Last month, I indulged myself on reading, I mean reading and reading and reading but then again I became helpless. On the process, I start with Noli Me Tangere. I read the novel and it struck me so much I have to reproof myself for such a wrongdoing on not reading it witfully for my Filipino class. Right now, I am still repenting on such foolish act on buying that book on the last quarter of the past school year instead of being serious on reading it starting on the first grading period. If I did that, then I would be so frenzied on discussing the premise on the class. After reading Noli, I tried to read El Filibusterismo but I was totally depressed by the change of atmosphere, from the drastic change of Crisostomo Ibarra to an explicitly malevolent Simoun, and from the psyched scenes to some boring chapters. I forced myself to go on reading Jane Eyre, more fervidly than before. Bottom line: I was stuck on page 150 something and was not again enthused on touching the book.
The beginning of May helped me to realized one thing: I have to tore those silly pages of my journal to reassure myself that I will have a new beginning. Everytime I open up my journal to write something, I mindfully look at the remains of the torn pages which are stuck in the middle of the notebook on and off to remind myself that I can forget ridiculous thoughts. And so like being on my death bed, I recuperated and it was a gigantic smile that painted on my dull face.
Subsequently, I miss the most important person on my life, my brother, my utol to be precise. Talking about him makes me sad so much, as painful as having an illness. Likewise, I am bearing some false and yet intense grin on the idea that I am reaching out someone who was and is still special to me. Also, I am patching up with my best friend, but, o, she’s still angry at me. I don’t know what to do.
To take it morbidly, without any gloomy subjects involved, I want to take its seriously. No erroneous feelings or thoughts. I have the tell the whole dam truth.
At last I then perceived the presence of invisibility of my tol. Last time, I took his picture from Pamela. At first, I was so angst-stricken on Pamela’s tricks on me but I can’t do anything but to stay sullen. I can’t believe she lost the letter from my tol. That would have been the only thing he wrote for me and yet she didn’t care about my feelings. My tol is so special to me, mind you people, that it can drive me crazy if I reprimand myself to accept the truth that the letter was gone. Shit. I can’t help but to say that same old grind. The truth was unveiled. She doesn’t want to tell me how to go to her house to pick my things because the letter was gone and she was vying for time to search for it. I am that stupid. I told myself I am stupid but then look! What I am craving for was gone and I can’t even believe that I am lost. Lost without the letter. Lost without my dearest tol. It may sound absurd but no one but the three of us know how much my tol and I love each other so much more than anyone else. Pamela? I don’t know what I can do if ever the letter is really gone. I can’t blame her if she did lose the letter; I blame myself for being stupid, really abstrusely stupid on believing and believing and always believing on imaginative things.
This emptiness is over. No more preoccupation. But that is only by now.