150th post: it’s complicated
Posted by Paurong sa Sabado, Hulyo 1, 2006
How long will it take for me to be able to write what is ought to be written?
Earlier, I told myself that this will be my last post and I will no longer write. But then, thanks to everyone who compelled me to stop on being ridiculous. Ridiculous. I am ridiculous because my mind and heart has gone falling off from the brink of time.
And so, I am writing now–not for the sake of mere blogging, but for the sole sake of expressing myself.
How many times do I have to tell myself that I am a loner? This question lingered on my mind this afternoon after realizing that my girl best friend seems to be ignoring me. I think it’s hard now to settle the matter. For a reason, my boy best friend, who is the boyfriend of my girl best friend, appeared to be mad at me because of my attitude a while ago outside the Dance Room. But that didn’t happen first. I have to start this on telling what happened first.
As usual, I had to wake up early to go to school. I didn’t mind what my classmates were doing inside the classroom. I went to IR to see her. They had their first class vacant because of the absence of their MAPEH teacher. She was so appalled because of my presence. We chatted on paper…concluded when their Math teacher came. Mr. Reyes asked me with a meaningful smile, “Ba’t parati kang nandito?” and I replied “wala lang po”.
Whoo! I didn’t attend our Values Education class because I was minding the meeting on the AVR. I went to our classroom and saw my bag and shoes. I felt so sad that no one cared on bringing my stuffs. I went to the Gym and asked a classmate for the key. I went all alone to our classroom, got my things, and brought them down in the Gym.
After Francesca and I had our lunch inside IV-3’s room, we went to the library. She was there. I was nervous again. As usual, she didn’t want me to be around.
I was so busy… We were together again: Jonell, Cesca, Kathleen, Ila, Sarah and Jordan. Ila’s words awestruck me! Jordan was frequently teasing me about her. Sarah told many things. Cesca was fantastic to be with. I hate Kathleen’s attitude today…she seemed to be over-competitive. I wanted to cry by the time Ila was talking to me. I wasn’t even able to voice out any further. It pierced my heart, I can’t deny it.
I was also busy helping the panel of teachers working together for their respective assignment due today. We were in a hurry. They were amazed because of my speed on encoding and because of my knowledge about different stuffs pertaining to computer. I was then arguing to Mrs. Padua everytime I smell something wrong about a sentence (e.g. its grammar, construction). I was so hungry that time when Mrs. Beltran offered me a glass of soft drink. I didn’t refuse because I was thirsty. The teachers were amazed at me. Later on, Ma’am Sheila came. I played the song “One and Only You” over the internet for her since it’s her favorite song. We, then, e-mailed our accomplishments, our incomplete assignment rather, to Dr. John Man.
I went to the Gym and was terrified by the scene. No morbid place. No harsh words uttered. But they were all busy making the props. I didn’t know what to do and was about to cry. I was like accidentally falling off from a cliff.
Later on, Pamela and I had a sort of argument. Thanks to Robert who solved the enigma between the two of us.
I went to Study Net and for the fifth time this week, used the computer no. 30.
My mind is still empty about my feeling towards her. I am waiting for her to go online.
It’s not yet the end. I don’t have to be like this. I don’t have to be desperate. I don’t have to be obsessed. I don’t have…but I do. It’s just that I love you.