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still lost and unheard

Posted by Paurong sa Linggo, Nobyembre 26, 2006

Is it time to dissipate time staring at this magical screen? Life is so full of ups and down. This cliché reflects everything about me save for the fact that I am always on the lower part of the wheel of life.

How can you be happy if you lack caress from your family? How can you be happy if you lack the attention you ought to have? How can you be happy when once in a while, people around you misunderstand you? Or at the very least, you don’t have a family at all–a mother, a father, siblings…

I realize that I am in a total melancholic state. I want to be happy but life itself is hindering my longing. I have to live life without my parents–that’s the thing I can puke on. Everytime I see loving families which are not broken, which are happy together, I always tend to get jealous. Life taunts happiness in me. All I ever wanted is happiness and no cost can buy the happiness I desire.

I am living a life I never wished to have yet I am glad that there are still people who care for me. What if I die tonight? Will people cry for me? When will people eat crow just because I died? Too funny I am wishing death. But paradoxically speaking, I still want to live.

I am living a life without the people who should be here beside me, to help me in troubles, to join me in jauntiness and laughters, to teach me right from wrong, to deliver me from harm…

Many people around me always tell me to forget the grudges I am feeling. But then I cannot. And I shall not just “forget” the damage they had made. They left me. They never cared for me.

Where is my mother? Where the hell is my mother? Can anyone tell me where she is? This is my primary inhibition in life which causes me more impairments. I am always being jealous everytime I see children being taken cared of their mothers. The love of a mother is priceless, I know that. And so I envy those people who have their mothers with them.

Where is my mother? Please tell me lest I’ll kill myself! Sadistic. Cruel. I’ll not injure myself just because of that. I want to cry. But I am a valiant man. So what if my mother is not here? Who cares? I am just jealous. That’s it. No more further ado.

I miss her. I’ve never seen her for four years. The last time we saw each other is when I was about to graduate elementary. Since then, she never contacted me. She didn’t keep in touch with me anymore. I lost her but she never and will never lose me. On this battle, I have to win. I have to survive this scorching pain. It is always here inside my heart. The scar is harder to heal compared to a wound because a scar will stay there since it is etched already.

Here in my heart, deep inside my heart, rancors live… I just hope everyone around me will listen and will understand me. How I wish.

Likewise, I hope everything will be fine soon. About me and A____. About me and R____. Call me stupid or what. I don’t know now. I am bearing a sheer chain in my heart wrapped around my temperament.

Please listen. 640****.

12 Tugon to “still lost and unheard”

  1. lol said

    been watching ur blog for quite sometime.

    nice posts bythe way.

  2. Sefree said

    thanks juno! i appreciate it a lot!

  3. tina said

    Jesus died to set you free.🙂

    Then set yourself free from heartaches, sadness and all negative emotions… even if the situations in your life says otherwise.

    You see, you can choose not to feel them. Im not saying you ignore the feeling of grief and hurting… for it is too late to ignore the feeling because you are already feeling it. But now that you are letting it all out.. it’s your first step.

    One must move on.. All conditions are temporary. Nothing in this world is static. everything changes.

    Love yourself… let yourself enjoy even if its a wee little thing you see on the street. See the beauty.🙂 See the perfection in everything.

  4. Sefree said

    you’re right tina. i wrote this post to let everything come out of me. i am filled with an awful lot of heartaches and melancholy that turned me into a stupid person who don’t see life as a wonderful gift of the one above.

    i will do my best to enjoy everything especially now that i am not in control of my destiny, my future. i might be dead tonight or even tomorrow. i do not know.

    i wish i can be happy now. even a little.

  5. Sefree said

    you’re right, tina. you know, it’s so hard to let all of this melancholic emotions and grievances inside of me. it’s so hard to see myself in front of everyone with sadness drawn in my face.

    i will do my best to see life as a wonderful gift from the one above. i will do my best to set myself free from this sheer chain that has been locking me for quite sometime already.

    everything changes. i might die tonight or even tomorrow. i don’t know what might happen. all i have to do now is to treat each day as the last one.

  6. -pAm- said

    relax…^_^

    alam mo kaya mo yan…just trust it all to HIM..=)

  7. lala said

    hi.. thnx for droppin by my blog.. exchange links? Godbless

  8. tin said

    sometimes, we felt like, there’s something missing in our life. So we tend to look for it, but, sometimes, things just turned out worst. The more we look for it, the more we miss it. That’s life sefree, its messy, its complicated, and it sucks. Dont let this things ruin your life. Move on, appreciate the good things that comes in your life. I know, someday, you’ll find contentment and happiness in your heart. Just live life to the fullest. You’ll be fine.🙂

  9. icarus_05 said

    Hmm.. Marahil ganon talaga ang itinakda sa iyo.. Marahil ay ginawa ito ng Diyos upang matuto ka..

    Bumangon ka muli, at piliting maging malaya… Tara.. Sabay tayo… Hindi ka namin iiwanan…

    bago.. daan ka ah..
    http://icarus05.blogspot.com

  10. redpurpleblack said

    haaii. baka gusto NIYA na matuto ka.🙂 just look on the brighter side. ikaw, strong ka. kaya mo. yung ganong tipo. ok lang yan. maybe he has better plans for you.

  11. Littlepixie said

    hi thanks po sa pag bisita sa blog q. opo blue nga favorite q, link ex?

  12. Camille said

    life has its ups and downs. maybe you’re just experiencing the down side of it now. don’t worry, everything will be fine at the right time.😀

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