I am a failure.
Posted by Paurong sa Martes, Hulyo 31, 2007
I want to stop on blogging. I am running this blog for six months already. Isn’t that enough? Before Gusot: dahil hindi plantsado ang buhay ng tao, I had had a number of blogs that only lasted for a month or two. Who didn’t know my one-year old pseudonym Paurong? Now I see this as too much.
In all honest, the root of this lethargy is that I am fed up of hoping, wishing, and praying. I want that, I need that, I want you, I need you are those statements that are ought to be junked out of my system.
My life appears to be a string of failures:
May it be on my exams in school… I am flunking my subjects by just missing a couple of points! I am not saying that I fail tests. In fact, I am always one of the highest scorer in every test we had if not the highest. That’s the reason why I am utterly disappointed with my midterm grade in ICTFUND: I got 3.0 (89-92) when I should have had at least 3.5 (93-96) if I reviewed those three items I left blank on the last long quiz. I am blatantly offended by my blockmates each time they tell me such things like “Ang talino mo talaga”, “Ikaw nga ‘yung matalino, eh”, “Ang galing mo naman”, “Akin na lang ‘yang utak mo!” etc.
May it be with regards to love… Duh! She doesn’t want to have me, she wants him not me! How many times do I have to insist on my stupid head that she is not mine. My heart cries everytime I see her talk about other guys, for that matter. I just want to be loved the same way I can offer myself to the one I love wholly and without hesitation.
May it be on having a best friend… Come on! This is totally stupid to anyone who reads this. I know, but then I admit that I need someone I can be with lest the girl friend thingimabob is impossible. How I wish I would meet a replica of an Emoseb who longs to have a confidante whom he can trust. It scourges me everytime the thoughts of the lost and forgotten friendships I had in the past lingers in my mind. I need to get over those by having a friend friend.
Owning a cellphone is included… I almost cry at this very moment fantasizing myself to be on a remote place where I know not anyone. Communication is very important, I should say. Many times had I been unable to compensate with people I should have met just because of the mere fact of the lack of communication. Furthermore, I am now losing my interest in my photography endeavor. How can I pursue my photography if I am not equipped? Art seems to be artless now because of this. I am so pathetic.
Yes, I am. I despise myself for being so sad lately. I can’t see the point, neither. All I can do now is to take a rest on blogging, if ever I come upon that decision to end this once-fantastic travail.
And now, as I am writing this post under the chills of the airconditioning unit of Computer Lab B, I can conclude that I am a failure.